I really really really hate it when you yell at me!!!

So, it’s been a month already that you called off the wedding. I thought it would get easier and easier and it hasn’t. All I can think about is the fact that you broke off this wedding.  I wish you hadn’t. I wish you would’ve really thought about this life long commitment before you decided to jump into it. I know you say this is for the better and this will make us stronger, but I really don’t think it is. I think this is the worst thing that could have possibly happened to us. I pray to God you made the right decision for you, because I know you didn’t make the right decision for me. I was ready to marry you. I was ready to be your wife and a mother to Mia. I was ready to commit myself to you for the rest of my life and you just couldn’t do it. Your gut didn’t let you do it. I know the reason that you called this wedding off is not because of you, but because of your daughter. Because you knew that once we got married she would have to sleep at your parents house while we slept here. Because you thought in your head that this marriage wouldn’t be good for your daughter. You may not say these things, but you don’t have to, I can feel them. I thought I could be the best thing for you, but lately, I don’t feel like I’m the right girl for you. I feel like I’m just here to fulfill your needs and not really here for a lifetime. And the sad part is, that I have fallen deeply and madly in love with you. And I want to be with you, but sometimes I feel like I’m doing you more damage than good. I am unsure of what to do, I am unsure of myself and I am unsure of how far this relationship could really go. And to be honest with you, I am completely and utterly scared because I love you to death.

Today.. Is supposed to be the most exciting, most memorable day of my life.. Instead I am sitting at home and waiting for 3:00 to roll around so I can go get my tattoo done.. Amazing how it went from “I’m getting married in March 11th” to “I’m getting a new tattoo this Friday” I know I’ve had a little time for this to sink in but the day is here an it sucks! Instead of walking around like a chicken with my head cut off getting everything ready or taking shower & relaxing before the ceremony.. I’m sitting on the couch, watching Finding Nemo…anticipating my Dead Wedd tattoo.. Appropriate no? And to think, my lovely spring break week trip to grand cayman, Jamaica & Disney is now a long week of doing absolutely nothing.. I seriously, can not wait for today to be done and over with, and that goes for the rest of the week too.. Let’s see if he does anything special for our 1 year anniversary or if it’s gonna be another day of staying home, saving money, and doing nothing!

This week is going to be full of sarcasm.. Low blows… Crying… Depression… And a tattoo I’ll never forget

Sometimes I wish I could just back up my room on a tiny box, like magic, and move out with him. I want to be with him all day everyday & it hurts so bad that were not getting married next week.. Bc I could’ve had that with him. I could’ve had an amazing life.. And now I just have to sit back and wait again.. And God knows how long I’ll have to wait. I’m tired of waiting. I’ve been waiting my whole life, and now that I’ve met the man I want to spend my life with.. He gives me this dream then rips it out of my heart. It hurts so damn bad. I want to cry every night. I thought 2011 was going to be the most epic memorable year of my life.. & now I just want it to be over with!!!

I really wish you would’ve said something earlier. It hurts so bad that you’re the one who decided this and I’m the one who has to make all the phone calls.. I hope you know I call in front of you on purpose. So you can hear and see what I have to do because of your mistake! I hope you learn and never do this to me again. Because I’m being nice now, but I may not always be. You set yourself up fir a long life!! Enjoy!!